Thanks for the day guys....

I had a great time just now. Really enjoyed myself. It's been awhile since i met with you guys. Thanks for the laughter. If i stayed at home much longer i might have been a depressed person and might be warded to IMH.

Had conversation with her just now. She told me her father is sending her off. And she told me there are 2 possible options:-

1. Send her overseas to study
2. send her to get married quick

When i heard that i feel a lil heavy in my heart. i don't mind her going overseas but i will probably miss her so much. But if she's going to be send off for marriage, i will be broken. I admit that i love her. She's the 2nd person that i really love and cared so much. The 1st was my ex of 2 and a half years. Its hard to see the person you love go. Be it overseas or death. But who am i to stop these? I'm just a person. Helplessly i have to just let her go. Oh well ... i think i should just support her decision to go overseas. Even if it hurts me deep inside.
Just hope its not being send for marriage........



*i give more than i received in love, and my weakness is i care too much*

Disheartened

Yes i had a dream and it wasn't nice. It's somehow involves her. And was totally disheartened by that dream. Then just now i was surfing Friendster. Somehow i just went to her profile. And to my surprise i found out who the "ROBOT" she's talking about. I feel disheartened further. Then came down to the testimonials. More heart pain. I just don't feel like describing it. Somehow i feel like i wanna shout out loud and wished that all the pain will just leave me. Or maybe just cry to myself. Am i doing the right thing? Am i just a fool to be trapped by the honeyed-tongue girl? Is she trying to play with my feelings? Oh God why are you testing me this way? It's painful and heart-breaking. I'm actually sucking it up, trying to hold the pieces of my life in place. Am i doomed to be in this state for the rest of my life? Or am i just assuming the worse? Oh how i wished that i would not have taken the risk. Why must i fall in love now?

*crying, heart felt heavy by these unbeareable thoughts. how i wished this journey will be much sweeter than bitter*

I think i get the picture.......

I think i get what she is trying make me understand now. Its somewhat complicated but i think i know what it is all about. Well yes she like me but she doesn't want to be tied down by girlfriend/boyfriend thingy. She wants it to be natural. If it happens, it happens. I think that's how she meant by a natural relationship. And if i to like her a lot i must trust her. And she too. Because she says that she wants freedom and doesn't like to "report strength" all the time. But! and i say but, how about your relationship status? If both parties like each other so much and they fall in love, what is the status of the relationship? Attached? I still can't figure it out.

Hmmmm............so what do you think? Shall i just believe this thing works? Or just go with the flow. And do you guys really believe in this "natural relationship"? Give me your comments here not on the tagboard. I would like to hear from your point of views.

*going on a 3 weeks holiday. Hari Raya coming can enjoy. work starts on 21 Nov.*

I'm just a driftwood

I got back from Geylang today and i feel so fucked up. Saw to many couples, which kind of make my heart feel heavy. Each year i see friends celebrating Hari Raya with significant others, i feel envious. Eventhough i might just smile about it, but deep down inside i feel alone. Really alone. I did had a long-term relationship and eventhough i was with her, i never got a chance to celebrate it with her. *Sighs* it just that when i went out for Hari Raya visits with most of my friends, i ended up feeling like a lamp-post. And i dislike having that feeling every time during the festive month. That's why after fasting for a month during Ramadhan, when Syawal reaches i feel lifeless. Its like i only enjoyed it the first few days. Oh boy....


I'm beginning to fall for her. And she told me just now that she's scared of it because i'm getting jealous. She says it is too soon. She says she wants a natural relationship. I don't know what the hell she means by that. Yeah i admit i'm getting jealous. Yes I AM JEALOUS!!!! I'm freaking am jealous. 'Cause i'm falling for you. I don't wish to be in this situation either. You think i like it very much???????? I FUCKING HATE IT! I fucking hate the feeling of being in love. Because being in this way i'll get pain instead. YES, there's so much things to be happy about. BUT DO YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOU LOVED SOMEONE YOU WILL ALWAYS FEEL INSECURE! I had those feelings. It was damn hard for me. AND i afraid of losing the person i love. I've felt how painful it is for someone you love the most left you just like that when you needed them badly. The sorrows just won't let you scot free. The pain is unbearable. I even thought of ending my own life before, but luckily i was able to think straight....... And if any of you think i'm such a fucking emo guy, GO AHEAD! I ain't FUCKING care at all about yr fucking opinions.


*la tristesse durera*

Wondering.....

Oh well last Saturday wanted to blog but had other plans. Well last Saturday was the season finale for NRC Division 1. We lost again though. Well better luck next year then guys. For now lets bond!

Well, last Saturday also i feel kinda down. It was all due to what's going on in my mind. I felt that she's like taking me for granted. When she wants to talk to me she calls or smses me, when not she just kept quiet. And also because she says i asked a lot of questions. Well hearing that i made up my mind not to message her on Saturday. I thought she will at least message me once. I went for my match as usual and after the match i checked my handphone if there is any messages or missed calls. None! So i went back home after breaking my fast at Mac-Dees at Turf City. I went back i saw her online. So i changed my "Appear Offline" setting to "Online" on the MSN. When she saw me, she messaged me, asking why "disappear". I replied that i never "disappear". And she asked me was i at home all the while and i answered no. Then in my mind flashed all those thoughts i had about her taking me for granted. Ok cut the story short i asked her if all those words she said to me was true. And the truth prevails. She said yes and actually she woke up that day and looked at her handphone hoping that i messaged her or leave her any missed calls because she was hoping i'll asked her out that day. And she felt disappointed. And so after i asked her those questions she was frustrated with yours truly.

Hmmm....... i guess i might thinking too much about this. Maybe i need to slow things down a lil. Yeah maybe perhaps, she might have feelings for me. Well God knows what her feelings were. Oh boy! i think let fate decides.

*is she for real or is this just a figment of my imagination fabricated by my lonely mind?*

What am i?

I just don't know it anymore. Seems to me that i'm like fish and you're the fisherman. When u want me you want me you reeled me in. When you not, you throw me back into the sea. I just don't get it. At times you seemed to want more. But at times you don't. Whatever it is i'm already falling for you. Well love hurts, scars, wounds and mars. Well that's part of a verse from a song by Nazareth an old school rock band. I think it it quite true how it describe love. You must be able to take all the pain in loving someone. So what should i do now? Keep on smsing her or call her? Or just wait for hers? I'm just stuck in this dilemma............



*would there be an end to all this pain for me? am i cursed to love someone so dearly?*

I will and i can......

Yes a few more hours before my exam begin. Well still doing my final revision. About my previous post, well i had a long talk with her yesterday. I told her that don't hate men just because of those bad seeds that make us men look bad. Because not all men are like that to women. And i think my conversation did enlightened her on this issue. And i feel that maybe this time my friendship with her might develop into something more beautiful. I'm going to pray for it to happen 'cause she's worth keeping. A very understanding person which i have never come across much. And i'm beginning to feel that she's starting to develop feelings for me. I won't comment on that yet because it's still early to tell. But i just hope it will be real truth. Her character just mesmerize me. I'm beginining to connect with her emotionally.

As for my paper, i'm praying hard this time i'm going to make it. All those hard work, especially the night classes i attended, made me understand the module better. The teacher, he explains it more clearly than the previous one that i had. I did hand in assignments given, and even managed to pass my class tests. Which to me is already amazing considering that last time, i never even managed to do so. Maybe i've found a new drive to pursue for the better even i failed the paper before. Maybe something or someone made me realised that no matter how bad you did before, don't ever give up on yourself. The important thing is to believe in your abilities. Because from there the will to succeed will eventually comes naturally. Hard work does pays off.
Wish myself all the best for today's exam.

Cheers!

I hate my gut feelings

Well my gut feelings or should i say sixth sense is really getting on my nerves. I just found out that she fought with a guy last Saturday after i've sent her home. Actually this intuition played on my head when i realised she never picked up my calls nor answered my smses. She just told me today that she quarrelled with a guy. And i became the punching bag. After her incident with a guy, she keep giving me the cold shoulder. I was surprised. And because of that i was given the cold shoulder. Her reason for doing so is that she hates men. Why must you hate all men when those bad seeds are the ones that made my kind look so bad? Are all men the same? Same goes for are all women the same? If i said all women are the same, i won't be able to look up and smell the roses again. Must i suffer for the wrongs of my kind? Its not fair right? Oh its always the good guys who suffer the most.


*never i expect this to happen to me*

My assumptions proven wrong....

Thank God! She finally replied to my msg. Well only once. But it's something i need to assure me. Well i asked her if there's anything wrong, cause i felt like she's avoiding me. And her reply was....., "I'm not avoiding you but i got sum personal issues tat haveoccupy me now. iget back to you asap!" Well i wanted to know why she feel that way. Or what is causing her to be the way she is now. Oh well i try not to jump to conclusion. I'll try to be patient for now. For i'm actually beginning to miss her laughters and incessant nonsensical ramblings on the phone with me.


*waiting for my medication to my new addiction*

I don't want to assume.....

I'm blogging in office now. Well as usual on Mondays i have 3 hours of lunch break so my timetable have a huge empty slot in between before the next lesson. So i took a nap. I had a weird dream. I dreamed that she had lost my number and she messaged me asking who am i. After that i woke up. I quickly check my handphone to see if there's anyone called or messaged me. But too bad there was none. Later the class in my charge will be having lessons beside her class. i don't know how to react when seeing her. Shall i just pretend nothing had happened for past 24 hours? Or shall i just say hi to her if i ever see her? Well i just don't know what to do. I feel like i wanted to ring her up or smsed her asking her what had happened for the last 24 hours. I'm just curious about the sudden change in her behaviour. Oh God show me a sign. What shall i do???? My dear friends what would you do if you are in my situation? Oh please someone, help me end this drama.


*its all seems so surreal, like i'm dreaming what is not there. That the image of her was just a fiction of my mind, fabricated by my own loneliness*

Is this all are just lies that you fabricate?

Well...... its been 24hrs since i last seen or heard from her. She has not been returning my calls nor my messages. I don't want to assume anything but it seems to me that all this bullshit about liking me, could well probably be just another big fat huge lie. Well after being sucked into a whirlwind of events, i just feel that the desire to get to know me just fizzled. I just don't understand what is it that you really want. Just an experience to go out with me? Well... i don't even considered the 2 times of meeting you even as a date. I thought you might not played me out, thinking that you're matured enough to even consider going out with me. But i guess it was all a huge mistake on my part. Giving chance to love someone again, and yet it all just a slap to my face. I guessed you are just another one of those heartbreakers that i have met in my course of life. I just want you to clear things up with me. All i ask for is why do you want to do this in the first place.


*being sucked into believing your every word, i'm beginning to like you even more. But i guess this was all just a game for you*

Missing Someone

Oh man how should i put it? Well i'm starting to feel funny inside. I'm beginning to develop feelings for a certain someone. And i'm beginning to miss her. What shall i do? I don't want this to happen. Because of all that had happened in the past, i'm afraid to fall in love again. I'm really afraid of the uncertainties that comes with it. How do i deal with this? How do i cope if i ever lost someone i love again? I just can't picture myself in that kind of mess. When i love someone, i will love them wholeheartedly, unconditionally. And once its broken i'll end up the most affected person. Oh well still got to live with it someday. I've beginning to dream about her, seeing her face makes me smile to myself. Oh how do i deal with it??



*the pain is coming to take away the happiness*

Student-Teacher Relationship

Student - Teacher Relationship. Bloggers please comment on your views on this. Thank You.

Today is gonna be the day.....

Yes i've found out the identity of that girl who keeps on saying hi to me in campus. Found out that she's been trying to approach me for awhile till i finally asked my colleague/friend to give her my MSN. Well chatted with her for a very long time. Getting to know her. Asked her out yesterday. Well it went smoothly. Thought i was gonna being played out but not. Well, she's quirky and very weird sense of humour. Well one thing catches my eyes, she have green coloured natural eyes. It's kind of weird for an asian.


To me and my future endeavours, cheers!