I'm just a driftwood

I got back from Geylang today and i feel so fucked up. Saw to many couples, which kind of make my heart feel heavy. Each year i see friends celebrating Hari Raya with significant others, i feel envious. Eventhough i might just smile about it, but deep down inside i feel alone. Really alone. I did had a long-term relationship and eventhough i was with her, i never got a chance to celebrate it with her. *Sighs* it just that when i went out for Hari Raya visits with most of my friends, i ended up feeling like a lamp-post. And i dislike having that feeling every time during the festive month. That's why after fasting for a month during Ramadhan, when Syawal reaches i feel lifeless. Its like i only enjoyed it the first few days. Oh boy....


I'm beginning to fall for her. And she told me just now that she's scared of it because i'm getting jealous. She says it is too soon. She says she wants a natural relationship. I don't know what the hell she means by that. Yeah i admit i'm getting jealous. Yes I AM JEALOUS!!!! I'm freaking am jealous. 'Cause i'm falling for you. I don't wish to be in this situation either. You think i like it very much???????? I FUCKING HATE IT! I fucking hate the feeling of being in love. Because being in this way i'll get pain instead. YES, there's so much things to be happy about. BUT DO YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOU LOVED SOMEONE YOU WILL ALWAYS FEEL INSECURE! I had those feelings. It was damn hard for me. AND i afraid of losing the person i love. I've felt how painful it is for someone you love the most left you just like that when you needed them badly. The sorrows just won't let you scot free. The pain is unbearable. I even thought of ending my own life before, but luckily i was able to think straight....... And if any of you think i'm such a fucking emo guy, GO AHEAD! I ain't FUCKING care at all about yr fucking opinions.


*la tristesse durera*