I hate myself, of what i have become

There are times i wished i hadn't said some things, there are time i wished i never did some things. These are the things that have hurt my loved ones and friends. I somehow wished i can somehow control what i want to say like while you are smsing or chatting with someone on the internet. I have the tendency to shoot my mouth first. I've tried my best but i think it is not the best that i have done. I sometimes forgotten about the advice i get from the people around and ended up doing the same thing. I guess it might be coming from my genes. My father's. Its all because i hate the person he is and really don't want to be like him but yet i am turning out to be like him although not all of it but i did have some of his characteristics. And i have the tendency to assume something negative before anything happens. Although sometimes it did came true i guess it was purely coincidental. I think i'm suffering from a lack of self-confidence and also and inferiority complex. I guess i need help. It affects my relatonship with people around me. I just need help in this area.
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She's different from the other girls i've had a relationship with. Although looks she's 100 per cent more better looking than all of them, she somehow quite a humble person. And she looks wild in her appearence, there's a sense of caring and a unique kind of personality that made me more attracted to her. I think she is really serious about "us" She's a loving person. How i wished i have met her in my earlier life instead. She had a lot of things going on for her. She's talented, beautiful, sexy, gorgeous....... Words just can't describe what am feeling right now. I truly misses her. And i know she does have that same feelings too. Sometimes while i was thinking about her, she can just suddenly message meon my mobile or called me up. Sort of a telepathic connection. I have never had a girl who really cares much about me before. Usually it's just a one-way street. So when i have some who did, it is just overwhelming. I really appreciate her very much. I guess things does happen for a reason. I'm going to be a better person than i am now for myself and others around, but also for the person that i am in love with right now. I am being emotional now typing this but it doesn't matter. My heart has been captured by someone who is intelligent, gorgeous and talented individual. She is the epitome of my dreams, my figment of imagination. And i vow to be a better man than i am now. I want to be there for her, during sickness and in health. Till death do us part.

*Mahal kita, Nasha*

Stars around us...

I'm beginning to enjoy working in S'Bux. I get to meet different people. Especially people on the entertainment scene. A few days back i met Robin Goh. If you guys don't know him nevermind. He's an actor. Mostly in the local plays. And yesterday only i met Howard Lo from Eye For A Guy Season 2. I just greeted him by his name. Hahahahahaa...... Such wonders working in this line. I hope to meet others soon if they might pop by our store.

Liverpool was knocked out of Champions League by Benfica. What a waste. The strikers are shooting blanks. I think its time to sell Cisse Mr Benitez. Do you hear me? And i want Michael Owen back in team. And also it is time to splurge on more strikers and also midfielders. I hope Liverpool will do just that!

Personal life, it has been great. Knowing that someone out there cares about you and misses you. But somehow she's busy with career and her dreams of becoming the next Singapore Idol. I just wish her all the best in the 2nd Round of the auditions and hoped that she can get through the next round/finals. In my heart will always be for you. Love you baby.........

Cheers!

Thoughts that's going on my mind....

My mum and my younger sis just got into a big disagreement which ended up both slamming doors. My sis getting married at the end of the year and she's complaining so much about the huge amount of bills and money needed to spend. so my mum just suggested to her just nikah instead to have a wedding reception. Then she suddenly flared up. I know what my mum said is true. For a Muslim, when you have nikah it means you are lawfully wed. The reception is just part of the wedding although it is not really that important. What i am trying to bring up here is the why nowadays Malay/Muslim families sometimes want to have huge wedding receptions when they don't have that much resources and also why some Malay/Muslim families always wants or expects to receive such a high dowry from the groom's side? It is as if you are selling your children. I just can't figure it out. Money have made us blind. We forget our culture, our morals etc. There's no wondering i believe money is the root to all evil. The guy who invented this phrase surely deserve an award for it.

I'm currently on a financial crisis, i have not yet fulfill my role as the eldest son to the family although i did gave money to be used to pay the utilities, yet i have not given my parents money. I feel bad but i can't help it right now. But somehow i know the future will be brighter and i'm perservering to achieve that aim. I think now since i've started working, i'm grown a lil bit matured in my thinking. I scrimp and save although i still don't know how long my money in the bank will last. Can't think much of it but i just want to survive the day that's all. I hope in a few months time all the things will be settle and i can live life much, much better. As of now, i never told my parents about the problems i'm facing right now. I hope the government pay-out will ease a bit of the burden i have to face.

As of my personal relationship with friends and loved ones, its ok for the time being. I'm as per normal with my parents. Friends, i wish i can see them often but i can't. Even meeting them i'm having problems. But to those whom i'm close to and who are reading this, you all are in my heart no matter where you are. I'm sorry if i have not been in contact much. But you all are always in my heart. And to that special someone that touches me, I'm missing her everyday. The calls that you made, made me feel happy and it brightens up my life. I know in my heart you will always be there too. I hope you will be there for me for better or for worse and in future we will be together, have a family of our own.

Signing off...............

Pondering thought....

As i ponder to myself about my past relationships, there was only 1 relationship which i really put my heart, soul, blood, sweat and tears into it. And as i ponder further, i come to realise i don't want to be the person i was. I was possessive and i was tactless. I want to change all that. I used to have a bad-tempered but now i've learnt to be patient. I also have a quite sarcastic views towards my surroundings. Sometimes i even was too sarcastic to people whom i love. I want to change that. I'm having feelings for that special someone now and i don't want anything to happen between us. Because i love having conversations with her. Everyday she will like called me on my mobile and share with me how her days have been. I didn't initiated it. It was her. I did said some things that have hurt her feelings before because i failed to understand her situation. I regretted it so much. I was remorseful to be exact. I know she also have the same feelings for me. I never doubt that. I think i need to be less paranoid and be more optimistic about this. All i know she suffered more heartaches than me, much much worse than i have gotten before. I wish this will last to the end of my life. I will try and perservere and be more tactful in my words and my action. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt myself.

I guess as of now i just be there for her no matter what happens. I rather see myself suffer than see her suffer. I don't know why but i've becoming a selfless person and couldn't care less about myself but just of others. Is it bad? I don't know. Only God knows............

*i'm contented with her. She brought smile to my face*